Relationships built on technology, such as online dating, was a bit stigmatized throughout the 90s and early 2000s due to its rather unusual nature. And while binary romance has now become the norm, it has also brought a whole new set of problems over time. An impersonal email has replaced a heartfelt, handwritten letter, while a flower emoji is now the new “I love you.” What other technological “conveniences” have slowly led to relationship madness nowadays? Let’s take a closer look and find out.
Shoot First, Ask Later
Many of us have personally experienced the crazy boyfriend or girlfriend before. You know, the type who would slash your tires because how-dare-you-politely-smile-at-the-cashier ordeal. Unexpected bursts of anger are all too common thanks to social media, where a simple “Like” can mean the difference between being engaged in bliss versus being engaged in battle. Now, just imagine those poor souls that once dared “poke” someone on Facebook.
Before > After
Let’s face it, most arguments among couples are centered around mundane and trivial subjects. Remember that time you forgot the milk after coming home from a long, mentally-exhausting work shift? And if the girlfriend throws a snarky remark your way, such as “how come you always forget the milk, but never the condoms?!” well, the answer to that is obvious; we know better than to be stuck with you for life.
A Girl’s Best Friend
It’s common for people to list every emotional and personality trait they want in a partner. But two things are consistently missing from conversation (perhaps for fear of being judged) and that is none other than good looks and financial stability. Ladies and gents, a good personality is a given, so let’s not waste time mentioning the painfully obvious. How about a little honesty every now and then?
Changing for the better is both an art and a science. You show little to no improvement, and your partner will think you’re an underachiever. You change too much, and you’ll have admirers jumping on you like it’s Mexican lucha libre. How do you solve this dilemma? Simply stay true to yourself (unless, of course, you have terrible hygiene or psychopathic tendencies). No pressure.
Some might ask, “Why won’t you let me touch your phone unless you had something to hide?” Well, what if some of us have a sock puppet fetish? While that might explain why your partner’s socks are turning yellow, it still doesn’t excuse the fact that it’s all about privacy and principle. Otherwise, we might as well publish our personal diary online and invite grandma to learn about our deepest, darkest, most perverted secrets. You get the idea.
Love Really, Really Hurts
If your mom only finds out about your engagement through social media, then there’s clearly something wrong here. In contrast, some couples enjoy the attention so much that their feuds happen exclusively through back-and-forth status updates as your online friends read in delight. Whatever relationship issues need resolving, please do it like any mature and responsible adult would: Beat each other behind closed doors, then tell the story of how “you fell” as you explain away that gigantic black eye.
Remember when having fun meant working on fun projects and doing other activities with your partner? Sadly, “Netflix and chill” means exactly just that for many couples, as it’s usually accompanied by a digital screen with a side of undivided attention. What’s more, sometimes your online friends will know when your partner ended the relationship before you do, all thanks to a quick status update while you slept.
Weighing Your Options
They say written communication is better understood than its verbal counterpart. So what’s the problem with breaking up through email, you might ask? Your words may fail to capture the emotion necessary to handle such a delicate situation. On the other hand, at least you wouldn’t have to put up with the inevitable crying and screaming as you try to keep your partner from having a total mental breakdown. Choose wisely.
Post it, or it Didn’t Happen
When people began online dating and long-distance relationships, no one ever imagined they would be taken this far. A little validation (along with a bunch of Likes from people you vaguely know) can mean the difference between a relationship and mere hookup buddies. One can’t help but wonder if future marriages will involve your local priest texting a few words of wisdom and calling it a day.
Oh, You’re Still Here…
Have you ever been on a date where the other person is physically in the same room as you, but mentally screwing some stranger on Tinder? This is the sad reality our internet-enabled phones have given us. But this accompanying picture might be onto something: Strap the phone to your date’s face, and enable text-to-speech to pretend you’re having a mutual, meaningful conversation.
Til Text Do Us Part
Let’s speak in defense of repeated characters, such as the case of “Heyyy.” If this doesn’t express a person’s excitement over you, then we don’t know what does. After all, isn’t it widely accepted that ALL CAPS should be taken as someone yelling? So the lesson here is to know your online lingo. And if your love interest sends you multiple exclamation points, rest assured that a new baby will soon follow.
Some Things Are Overrated
There’s nothing particularly wrong with a night in, especially if you’re the introverted type. That said, remember technology is right beside you no matter where you go these days, so a new experience would allow you to update your status with more dignity. But if going out is really not your cup of tea, at least we have Virtual Reality these days. Phew!
And Going, and Going, and Going…
Lolsotrue #1974: A phone’s battery may be the very cause of your relationship’s issues. Did you wish your partner a happy birthday mainly via text? Do you feel sad because your phone doesn’t have the right emoji to express your feelings? Men, is your tiny phone making you feel insecure and fear it speaks to your manhood? These are the very issues that deserve a visit (not a text) to your doctor.
Technically, there’s nothing wrong with a guy waiting until the last minute to get ready – unless he, too, has long hair and wears makeup. But careful, guys, because every need under the sun will suddenly creep up on you at the very last minute. Bathroom break, brushing your teeth, and missing car keys are primary examples. In this case, get ready for the fight of a lifetime (and chances are she’ll come out a winner).
Let’s close this thing on a more serious note, because it needs to be said: Communicate with your partner, for crying out loud! Guys, the silent treatment won’t magically make her figure you out. Girls, when you keep telling him “i’m fine” repeatedly, he instinctively knows you’re just about ready to lose your shit. So communicate nicely and maybe, just maybe, he won’t spit a sexist remark about you going through “that time of the month.”